Twilight. I’m confused.

Ok, I know I'm way late on the whole “Twilight Craze,” but my fiancée is reading this book and she cannot put it down. I make fun of her every time I get a chance. But it's not just that simple. She watched the movie, loved it, and thought that the lead actor was hot, so that gives her a mental image of some hot vampire dude love story to think about while she reads the book.

Hey, I know it sounds like I'm hating but really I'm not. I didn’t think the movie was awful or even the worst of all time, it was just way way way to mushy for being a vampire movie. Vampires literally eat animals and by animals I mean people. With their bare hands 'n fangs. Yes, no utensils needed. They rip skin off like a bad paper cut.

I asked her what was so intriguing about the book and here was her analysis: “The reason why I and many women love this story is because the main vampire, Edward, is deeply in love with Bella (main women character.) He loves her but cannot do anything physical with her and that type of “naughty” tension (wink, wink) is what I think keeps people reading. The fact that he loves her and doesn’t want to hurt her, yet he says, "her blood is the sweetest he had smelled in a 100 years.” So he can't do anything with her because he might lose control and EAT her. Therein lies the conflict and the draw for reading these stories.

Now, when I heard this, the first thing I thought of was how lonely is this girl that outta all of the people in all the world she falls in love with a dang vampire? I mean, come on. That’s like me having a pet lion or a pet dragon and loving it all day and never coming to the conclusion that hey, when my pet dragon or lion is hungry all this lovey-dovey stuff is going out the window. It's gonna bite my face off.

I'm just a guy venting. It’s a wildly famous book and series, but all I want to know is what am I missing? Did Bella watch too many episodes of Blade or what? Please, let me know. I'm trying to understand why we don’t write a book called "Big Dummy" starring Bella co-starring a herd of rabid moose. (Yes, moose is plural for moose. And yes, they're very mean.)

Here are some examples of what animals do when they attack. Please be aware. These are quite graphic.

See? This is what animals do, and animals aren’t vampires. Vampires are worse and they bite your neck, which is sensitive.