For Dre
Well, it's good that I’ve had a chance to get back on a plane. I took almost a month off from flying and traveling to really get my body right for the upcoming season in the Portland area and I enjoyed every minute.
This was a special occasion: my best friend ex-teammate Andre Iguodala’s celebrity weekend in SPRINGFIELD, Illinois. Yes, Springfield. I knew that it was going to be a rough trip but I kept telling myself that it’s for a great cause and it's your boy and he’d do it for you, which he did coming to my golf tourney in AZ.
So, my flight was to take off at 5:10 in the morning. Yes 5:10 am. I woke up at 4:20. Luckily, I planned ahead. Not having too much to pack, I started off on my voyage. When I got Lasik surgery I noticed that in the mornings after waking up my eyes are dry and I would have sun spots. It also occurs when you're dehydrated, which I was because of all the working out that I’ve been doing these past few weeks.
So, me sitting at the airport at 4:35 am, I can barely see, almost frantically trying to find some water to drink to hydrate not only my aching muscles, but my eyeballs. After about ten minutes I was good to go, back to 20/10. I rubbed my eyes looking at the board to tell me that we should be on time, and the worst thing that you can see is DELAYED, which my flight was. It wasn’t gonna take off until 6:45 so I sat there.
I prayed to God for a miracle and what happened? Free internet in the PDX airport. The time blew by. I looked at all the funny videos from the letter-opening bunny to the daily condensed soup, which I recommend for everyone to watch -- it's hilarious.
I get on the plane sit in my nice comfortable 1st class seat and to my dismay the “bubble gut monster” arose his bubbly badness inside my stomach. What I mean is that I had to lay down a huge fart. If we were outside in the woods or maybe at an all-guys party I would have tore a hole in the universe but I had to hold it. Too many people too soon and I knew it was gonna smell.
As we all do, you just squeeze and hlde it except the flight is 3:30 hrs long. I was in for it. I tried drinking more water. At the exact moment I felt my stomach really start to hurt and from me holding it too long, also giving me a headache, it was the last straw. There was no one in the seat next to me so I was gonna let it ride. I asked the stewardess for two blankets to tame the stinky beast that was about to be let loose on the world. I acted like I was falling asleep, positioning, and...as if God had the best sense of humor ever, a man sits down looking at me straight in my eyes. I have to abort mission. Alpha bravo team cancel that operation.
I knew he knew I was a basketball player just looking at me smiling wanted to talk about something so bad I could see his body language look for any opening. I wouldn’t give him any. I put the two blankets over my head and fell asleep hard waking up to move around, adjusting my poor intestine, holding all that stinky air. I was mad. Compound that with exhausted from being up so early and you have a grouchy 7-fter.
When I woke up he looked at me almost like he had been staring at me the whole 2:30 I had slept. I was sorta creeped out, but took no mind to it. I grabbed a piece of gum. I knew my breath was gonna be minty fresh. I offered him some, being polite, not knowing I was gonna release the bubonic plague upon my nostrils.
The only thing I can think of that would compare to the stir fry of terribleness that was his breath, would be when you leave old broccoli and lettuce in the fridge for a couple months, if you can imagine that. I was shocked, gagging for any type of untainted air. I offered again like “are you sure, I have plenty.” He was sure. Maybe next time I need to have a slew of flavors for him.
I knew I was in for trouble when he started asking me questions about basketball. It’s a funny situation when people try and talk to you about basketball but they don’t know any of the terminology. I don’t mind usually, but today he was just off. His questions went something like this, "so … you guys have a lot of human acquisitions this year?” I'm thinking to myself, what does that mean, “oh, the draft, yeah, we drafted a couple good guys this year.”
He asked me: how many years you been playing? I responded two in NYC and this is gonna be my 2nd year in Portland. To my amazement I have never had anyone ask me this he said "how many years you have left, 2 or 3?” I was taken aback by that one so I gave him a smart-ass answer. I said, naw, 12-13 yrs probably.” He didn’t know what to say and thank goodness it gave me a chance to turn the little fans on above me to full blast. This pattern continued for another 10 minutes until the plane was about to land.
After getting off the plane, I ever-so-cool strolled around until I finally reached my next plane which was a little dinky one. The flight to Springfield is only 27 mins. The greatest things about that situation is that I got a chance to walk outside, where if not for the loud airplane engine's roaring blowing wind everywhere, my fart would have really left a bad taste in peoples mouths (LITERALLY). I felt better though. My head started not to hurt.
So I get on this plane that must've been made for small people because I had to bend all the way over even to get in. While I was inside I felt like I was inside a kiddie tunnel chasing some kids around. When I sat down I was praying hard that I didn’t have to sit next to anyone because even though I was in the bulkhead seat it wasn’t doing me any good. I could catch a hard case of tendinitis sitting in that crunchy seat with another human being. Luckily I do Pilates and I'm somewhat limber.
To my horror the other biggest human being had my other seat (he was 6’2", stocky, 195) so we gave each other the death stare because we were both thinking the same thing. After five minutes of us both moving our legs around like members of Cirque du Soleil, the lovely stewardess had even more lovely news for us. “Excuse me, sir," (she was speaking to the three biggest guys who happen to be sitting in the three best seats), "we're going to have to ask you guys to move to the back because of the weight distribution."
So looking back to the little dinky plane, I said, hey, at least I can get my own row (which in retrospect is one normal seat). Once we got back there, no lie, it was a smell not as bad as dragon breath from the other flight but almost as bad as making a cologne from an old porta potty. I looked around in dismay as all my senses started to shut down due to the shock of the wee wee smell. The other guys around me already had shirts over there noses.
I thought that we were getting attacked by someone using biological weapons. A porta-potty bomb was dropped on the back of this plane going to Springfield. I was like, if Andre wasn’t my best friend man, I would have walked off that plane and went back home. LOL. When the stewardess came she came about three rows before me, that’s six rows before the bathroom and she was like “woah, that smells” and I said yeah, like hot horse piss, lol, the fellow outcast. I definitely got a laugh from that.
She locked the door almost like there was some type of monster inside. She put locks on the door that I've never seen on a plane and sprayed air freshener. I’m surprised she didn’t light a match, lol. Well, I figured let me try and catch up on some sleep before I have to go play in this game, me not knowing how I was going to play. Big guys usually aren’t the most exciting guys in the world to have at celebrity games. We land like a metal albatross. If you don’t know how they land, look it up on You Tube, lol.
I emerge from the airplane with one thing in mind, to enjoy my time in Springfield, which I definitely did. Our team won. I got MVP. I had 4 pts at half, then ended up with 33. I decided to try out my new toys and that’s the 3-point bombs, which I was droppin' like they were tic-tacs in the magma-mouthed dude on the 1st plane.
I really had a good time. There were a lot of great people who came out to support him and hopefully he can do some really good things for his community. I know he will.
So, thanks to Andre for having me and Ill try and keep my reign of MVP next year.
July 28th, 2008 - 08:07
Cuz,
And here I thought that I was the only person on the face of the earth who EVER endures scenarios such as yours! I feel ya!
THANKS for letting me know that I AM NOT ALONE! ! ! lol
Remind me to tell you my experience of flying from the Far East to California.
Peace Cuz;
Cuz Pete
July 28th, 2008 - 09:32
That was an interesting tale of a problem that all of us have encountered at one time or an other. I love that you were dropping 3’s like tic tacs in that dudes mouth. Great similie. Nice job frizzle
July 28th, 2008 - 09:36
Dear Mr. Frye,
Your use of imagery is so smooth and subtle.
Bravo Mr. Frye, Bravo. I look forward to your memoir.
LVB
July 28th, 2008 - 09:44
HaHa! This is a great read….Can’t wait to see you play this season!
July 28th, 2008 - 09:52
i am surprised you didn’t get stopped at security for having a weapon of ass destruction.
seriously – if you would have let it go, the plane would have crashed.
“it smells like a diaper filled with indian food”
July 28th, 2008 - 10:32
Hilarious. I know exactly what you’re talking about, man. The “bubble gut monster” wants to ambush me almost every time I get on a plane.
I’m looking forward to seeing those threes rain down come November.
July 28th, 2008 - 11:04
Dude… that is a funny story. I appreciate your honesty and that you are down to earth. You are a better man than many, holding on to your guy monster so long. Many lesser men would just quietly let it go… “silent but violent”, you know? Then, you said yours would’ve ripped a hole in the universe, so who knows.
Anyway, its interesting to read about your experiences as a 7 foot bballer with gas on a plane!
PS- I did go catch the Dark Knight. Man… Heath Ledger was awesome! I’ll never forget his pencil magic trick.
July 28th, 2008 - 12:40
That’s a classic. Flying is a pain in the ass, but I never thought of how actually painful it could be when you are a foot taller than most. Hell, my knee was messed up for 2 days after coming back from Japan (in coach). I can’t imagine what kind of long term effects would be for you if you had to sit in coach (if that is even physically possible).
July 28th, 2008 - 12:47
that was funny.. I get that same gut issues when I fly and being 6ft 5′ understand a little with the tight seats on small planes… Keep up the good work and great stories!! Thanks for the honest play by play… You da man!
July 28th, 2008 - 14:07
awesome story Fry…..you tell it so well. Keep it coming. http://www.thedrunkcanuck.com loves it!!!
July 28th, 2008 - 14:28
Lol, great story!
Same thing happened to me a month ago. There was a 90 year old lady sleeping next to me and didn’t want to disturb her by farting on her or going past her to the bathroom. It hurt like hell.
July 28th, 2008 - 14:56
You knkow Channing, I remember dogging you to one of my friends before, but after reading your blog, I find you’re a really likable person. I have to say, this is probably the best NBA blog around. And it’s just you talking about stuff. Way to show people that NBA players are just normal people.
This reminds me of Wilt’s book, “Just Like Any Other Seven Foot Black Millionaire Living Next Door.”
July 28th, 2008 - 16:39
You are the best writer on the face of the earth.
Seriously, your descriptive writing ability is amazing.
July 28th, 2008 - 17:13
Happened to me on a 4hr flight recently.
I was letting go on the plane for at least an hour.
If anyone from that flight is reading, I’m sorry.
July 28th, 2008 - 17:29
Channing, great site and great post. Looking forward to the 08-09 season! I’ve been trying to contact you over the last month at info@channingfrye.com but always get a bounce back from “karen@channingfrye.com” that her mailbox is full. I’ve had this issue since June. Anyway, check out the website I posted, and email me back I wanted to ask you something…. thanks!
July 28th, 2008 - 18:32
Man o man, that is good stuff.
Bringing it to a whole new level here!
It happens about a few times a year for me(when its really bad)…when its uncontrollable like that. Some people experience it every day. Thats what isn’t funny.
Keep it up and continue to express yourself!
July 28th, 2008 - 18:54
Even in Phoenix we love your stories . . . keep it up.
As far as that massive methane gas pocket, I’ll be sure and not light up a cigar if I see you deplane on flights from Portland to Phoenix in the future – go Blazers
July 28th, 2008 - 19:56
OMFG that was funny as hell!! How did you hold it? Props to going waaaaaay out of your way for Iggy and his cause.
July 28th, 2008 - 20:34
Wow, great story. Glad it all turned out well in the end.
July 28th, 2008 - 20:42
Channing you’re a great story-teller….but how come you didn’t just go to the bathroom? You coulda cleaned out the poison in your system there. Oh well….wouldn’ta made for such a good story. And yeah, what are the odds that the threat of one of the worst smellin’ toots in the history of man and dinosaur-kind might have been rivalled by the breath of a guy in the same vicinity.
July 28th, 2008 - 21:00
Congrats, Channing! Your poisonous gasses have made national headlines!
http://myespn.go.com/blogs/truehoop/0-33-100/Channing-Frye-s-Secret-Weapon.html
July 28th, 2008 - 22:44
Seriously a RANDOM question, even though I HIGHLY doubt you read these let alone respond to them.. but What are your thougths on BASKETBALL MOVIES?? I LOVE the movies “Love & Basketball” I could watch it OVER and OVER… and I LOVE “Finding Forrester”…. I’m watching it right now… SINCE I think you are the future ROEPER & FRYE… what are your REVIEWS on BASKETBALL movies???
July 28th, 2008 - 22:47
ALright my husband is upset that I didn’t mention “The air up there” “White men can’t jump” “he got game” (those are HIS FAVS) any ways….. I want your reviews!!!
July 28th, 2008 - 23:54
KD… You forgot ‘Teen Wolf’
July 29th, 2008 - 01:39
LMAO! First off all, dude is really cool and funny. Secondly, it is like a scenario straight from an episode of Seinfeld. It was exorbitantly funny man… Damn! Lastly, Channing is such an excellent writier, and not just for an athlete. Seriously, he could have EASILY been an English major and passed with flying colors. Excellent and creative writing.
Mad props; we miss you in NY.
July 29th, 2008 - 02:38
What a great story. It reminds me of a big meeting between the managers of Bank of America and Security Pacific in the mid 1990’s. The banks were merging and I had to attend this meeting. The night before I had 2 beers and a can of beans. No reason, that’s just what I had on hand.
The next day at the meeting I sat next to a lovely tall redhead and we struck up a friendship. At that point I had to start letting go, and it was rough. I think I fouled that air for several hours but the lovely redhead and I compaired notes as if nothing was happening. I really let rip.
July 29th, 2008 - 05:13
Cuz,
Say it isn’t so! Not in Portland! This CAN’T BE TRUE, CAN IT?
http://www.newsweek.com/id/149224?GT1=43002
Cuz Pete
July 29th, 2008 - 05:48
Ok, yes I’m a woman, but I just had to tell you that my girl friends and I were just talking about this same subject a couple of week ago. When our husbands want to let it RIP. They are so proud of the noises that come out of their bodies! And when we’re in bed, how proud they feel to just hang a big one on us, and destroy the vanilla candle scent we tried so hard to create all day. I have one girl friend that hides a can of glade, under her side of the bed. When her husband tires to be manly, she spays his ask me no questions, I tell you no lies! Anyway, Channing yours is a great story! I will have to share with my husband!
July 29th, 2008 - 07:01
Hey Channing…fantastic story, although if you were hurting that bad it was more than a fart. At the very least it was a shart.
July 29th, 2008 - 07:02
Great story, made me laugh.
July 29th, 2008 - 08:11
Channing,
This is great writing. I really enjoyed your story. Fresh language and good pacing. You’ve got some talent man.
Keep it up.
July 29th, 2008 - 09:21
For god’s sake, man, your health is the most important thing. We can’t have any of our star basketball players/ portland prostelytizers/ literary superstars potentially busting a gut at 30,000 feet. For all of us in Portland, just let it out next time, man. Blame it on magma mouth!
July 29th, 2008 - 11:09
That was a funny ass story Channing! Your teammates must really love being around you. A laugh a minute!!
For your eye issue….I’ve had dry eyes since I was 16, and you can use some artificial tears for your eyes that will really help the dryness in the AM. I get mine at Costco cause they’re cheapest there.
Have a great summer!
July 29th, 2008 - 12:19
Someone should research your farts impact on global temperatures, Channing!
Hey..sorry ’bout that dude on your flight. When I see someone famous, I don’t stare or trip..just act like they are anyone else. If I sat next to a Blazer (being a big fan, myself), I might ask for an autograph.
July 29th, 2008 - 14:21
Hands down best Blog Channing Frye has ever posted. I loved every sentence.
July 29th, 2008 - 15:57
I think I know what caused the giant whole in that jet
July 30th, 2008 - 01:00
Love the blog!
I moved away from Portland to Western Uganda last December to work as a missionary, so naturally I’m not able to follow my team like I would like. I appreciate all the time you put into your blog because it is a way for me to stay connected from 8,000 miles away. I’m really looking forward to this upcoming season and all the updates to come.
Thanks again and keep up the good work
P.S. I’m training up some Blazer fans here in Uganda too. They need something besides English Premier League Soccer to follow. Go Blazers!
July 30th, 2008 - 06:09
Great read!! Im expecting big things from you this season, im still remember the days when you were untradable in NY..People would pay good money to see u lamarcus,Greg,Raef and whoever else go at it in training camp!
July 30th, 2008 - 13:48
First time really reading your blog. Wow. Anyone who can successfully pull off a fart story as well as you did should quit their day job and become a professional writer or comedian. Seriously. …Except you. I imagine your day job must have it’s perks. Keep up the great work.
And I expect to see some of those treys lighting up the Rose Garden this season!
July 30th, 2008 - 22:36
hey I bet lots of people would like it if you could have a training camp blog article like once a week … then you could update us on how different players are developing, including you come mid august
July 31st, 2008 - 09:05
Why didn’t you buy two seats on the plane to avoid sitting next to someone?
August 1st, 2008 - 11:23
You had me cracking up laughing. Good story. Now you can work out that trade to the 76ers to team up with Iguodala and Brand… CHAMPIONSHIP!!
August 1st, 2008 - 15:40
Take pride in your farts and share them with the world. The greatest memories of my life all involve farts. Share them Channing; share them for the children.
When are you going to the Saturday Market with the camera? You should do it while it is still sunny.
August 14th, 2008 - 00:34
Channing,
i really hate when my favorite bloggers go and sell out. really Channing? bathroom humor? what’s next? links to… oh wait, forget i said all that about the selling out. i love bathroom humor.
more please.
i’m not kidding when i say this but, more photos of your dog please. i tried for ever to try and figure out what each eye was looking at in the big picture you posted a while ago, but the image gets too pixelated right before the point of clarity.
to re-cap more fart stories and more dog photos.
August 25th, 2008 - 01:07
hahahah When dude started to talk to you with his dragon breathe you should have just let the fart go…that way he would have got up and left so you didnt have to endure his trash convo and garbage breath
November 7th, 2008 - 15:58
Channing, I had to reply back to this as I was laughing so hard I could barely finish reading! Great story and so relatable, we have all been there, well, minus the height issues for me, haha, but anyone who says they haven’t been in that situation is just lying. What is it about flying and farting man?! Anyhoo, I will definitely be coming back to your website to read more!
March 24th, 2009 - 02:49
You are amazingly hilarious! I thank the Gods above for providing this drab world with humor like yours. I haven’t laughed like that in a while! Thanks for that!